These days I have been working hard to try and find some middle ground.  For years even before we had kids I tried to talk and come up with a plan to have a middle ground for raising our kids.  And for years I have tried to work hard to be better with my temper and things and to be more calm about things so that we have a better middle ground. 

Well with all of this work, years, and things tried and gone by failed I just don't know what to do.  Things for years I have been able to keep to myself and deal with but these days with having kids and a family it is harder to hide things.  It isn't that I am not trying to keep it to myself but well people feel it, know, and can tell that something is up.

It hurts when your mom starts to notice and worry about you and hopes that things will be OK.. She knows I am strong and will fight and take care of things but she wants to let me know she is there for me.  It is one of the first times in my life that I have felt good about my mom being there for me and supporting me.

I want to raise my kids like my dad raised me with love but with strenght and discipline.  He was a great dad and guy.  He was a great example and I want to be an example like that to my kids.  I want to be strong and to be there for them and to love them always.  He was like a big teddy bear but you respected him.  He was a high school teacher, football coach, and so much more.  Everyone loved him and remembers him.  And yes that is what I live up to and want to be like a loving, caring parent, but one that my kids know when they have done wrong.

But I worry because in our house it is divided and where I try to show my kids one way my husband is different.  And the kids know it and sometimes take advantage of that. It is really hard when my little one throws a fit in public or something to see how he handles it. The kids are one way for him, one way for me, but together it is a mess at times.  And sometimes when things get really bad and he is trying to deal with it but it isn't going well he takes them to me and says now you have to tell your mom what you did.  And he turns it then to me to finish it and deal with it.  It is hard when this happens because then what is this telling the kids?  I get stressed, embarrased, want to cry, and so many feelings it is just hard to deal with.

I want a middle ground but I don't know what to do to find one.  I know I am trying really hard to have great kids but I know this is just really hard.