Ever wonder why God does or allows some of the things He Does? I do, all the time. the past two weeks or so have been full of bad/good news in my life and family. A friend started opening up and sharing about his life and family, another friend got baptized and his life started to change direction & focus. I supported a friend that broke down at church after hearing a message of just what they needed to hear. Another friend started to realize some problems in their life and relationships and is wanting to start to work repairing things. Another friend had a miscarriage. One of my best friends has decided to divorce her husband after 12 years. She is also having troubles with her oldest son acting out. I have started to work on my marriage and try to repair and recover an almost 20 yr relationship. Friendships have changed. The list I know can go on and on as I am sure yours could too.

I have grown to have a different view on things over the years. Things that I have gone through in my past have helped shape me into the person I am today. I know I don't always seem strong but I know that I have always had God beside me. From the time I found out I had a heart problem when I was a freshman in college. I know he was with me through each heart surgery I had.  Through the hard times in my marriage I knew I wasn't alone.  I was strong when I went through years of infertility to have both of my kids.  The hardships, pain, loss that I suffered during that time was hard.  I miscarried, lost pregancies, or just had no reason why things weren't working at all.  I knew that I wasn't alone.  When I found out I had early stage uteran cancer a year after I had my daughter, I was like how could this be happening to me?  I started to ask why is God letting all of these things happen to me.  I knew in my heart he wouldn't let me handle anything I couldn't.  It was just hard to be so young and to have had so many things to struggle with.  I asked myself why do some people have nothing to deal with and some people have just one major thing but what did I do to get so much? 

I know that it wasn't for me to be in pain or for me to hurt.  It was for me to be broken so that I could be there for others.  I know that God has had a place for me I just didn't know his plan.  To me I know that I have watched the news and it is hard to hear sometimes but it is for me a bit easier because somedays I have lived through pain.  I have lived through on pins and needles on skype the only communication we had after the tsunami in Japan to a couple friends to know that they were OK.  One we had to hang onto that communication as he was being evacuated from the area he was in and put on a ship to come home.  A ship we would have no cotact with him for weeks.  It has been hard to live in my home knowing my dad collaped and died when I was 7 months pregnant with my first.  We almost sold the house 1 time.  I spent almost 3 years not even using the down stairs and it took me years to use the part my dad was in.  I know that the pain and hurt are real but that they are things that make me stronger.

I know that some people don't stay in touch with people, have many friends, or whatever your relationships are with your friends.  But for me I cherish my friendships.  I actually have liked all the people that have come into my life.  My whole life.  I know that relationships are up and down and come with baggage.  I know that we all do and well that is something that I love.  For me when I sit late at night on my bed talking to a girlfriend (just like I did when I was a kid) I cherish that time.  I love all the crazy, fun, deep things we talk about.  To me no matter what someone says I know that they are needing a friend or someone at that time in there life to just be there.  I don't take notes, I don't write it down, I am not keeping a score card.  I am just there for them because one day they will hopefully be there for me.  Yes I might be human and we all are.  I know we all have talked to our friends about others.  We talk about is that boy cute, did he look at you, did so and so say something to you today.  We do and this is human nature to have these co-dependent relationships.  There is nothing wrong with this but what is wrong is for someone to go outside of the relationship and to try to hurt the relationship.  The sad thing is people do this all the time and it happens in friendships and in families.  I don't know why people do this to each other because all it does it tear each other apart and hurt.  Friendships are not built this way, I am not built this way.  I find it hard enough as I am getting older to feel that I can trust or get close to someone because you always have to guard what you do and say.  I don't feel I can be who I am and that is sad.  I want to be me for people, my friends, my family to know me for me.  Not for me to hide because I am hurting inside and afraid to share about myself.

For me I am realizing that I need a community of amazing people, good friends, a great church, God, and things in my life so that I can work to be strong and repair.  I don't need baggage and pain.  I don't need to suffer for what I have done.  I have hurt in my life already and I just don't need it.  I know I have a hard time with this.  Because I seem strong on the outside but on the inside I fall apart.  I remember all the things, the pain, the suffering and it eats at me and I feel so weak.