I normally don't have time for books because I am busy with my family, life, kids, and well can usually find something else to do other than reading.  I usually NEVER have quiet time to myself.  I know most of my mom friends we have all talked at least once together about never having a bathroom moment alone.

For some reason I get to see some of my friends go on girls trips, weekends, or even a moment to get their toes done.  I have never had that.  For some reason I have even offered to cash in air miles to take a friend some place with me, offered when I knew they were not able to afford the extra money but had the time to get nails done to just pay so that I could have time with them and hang with my friend for the day.  I really wish that I didn't have to make them feel bad or anything about money because it isn't about that it is about time away.  Why is girl time so hard for me?

Oh well. Since I have all this time to myself and I fill it with other things and I never know or pick out a book that might interest me or that can hold my attention.

I know that the amount of recipes, things I find on pinterst, the ideas I have for redecorating, the constant to-do list.  With all of these things I just don't have the time or interest to be the romantic I was.

True romance does not have a recipe it just is. It is a feeling and things just happen just because it is right.

I just well have had a hard time at times understanding and going through all of my emotions and understanding where things are in my life.  I started to look for songs, blogs, poems, something to help me express how I was feeling.  I knew someone had to feel like me but I just could not imagine someone else expressing it in a way that others could ever understand.

I knew my marriage was not one that was going to fit in the perfect box and that really no one was going to understand what I was feeling or going through.  I knew reading some of the things and outlines that were suggestions well I was so far out of that I knew that I didn't know what to do or where to turn.  I was feeling lost.

I didn't want to follow a script that someone else did and was written by someone and hope that I would come out like them.  I knew that I was not in that kind of position.

After all my marriage is unique.

Listen...

One day I just didn't know what to do.  I had thought for years about talking to someone, my pastor, a friend.  But I just stuffed it all way.  I knew that I just could not I knew that I didn't want to be judged or something worse I thought so I just moved on.  I started to meet some really cool people and I started to pray.  I started to have the doors to my heart open up.  After trying to think, read, understand what was going on in my life and marriage alone I knew I just could not keep at this alone.

So one day I walked up to a friend and with little words just asking for prayer she dropped everything and prayed for me.  That moment was the door opening in my life.  She introduced me to a couple of amazing women.  One had a book about her story and the other had a newer website with just a document on it.

After years of not reading anything I read these to things both late at night and the first one was the book I knew it was good but not for me.  The other I went to the http://www.refineus.org/ebook/ website and read the only thing they had at the time called 8 Things that Destroyed Our Marriage.  I was immediately intrigued by what I read.

I  wanted to know how this woman found the strength to forgive her husband.  I wanted to understand how someone digs deep enough to overcome an extramarital affair and how they ever rebuild that trust. I  wanted to comprehend where this woman found the courage, the strength, to forgive the unforgivable.

After reading this over and over, having talks with my husband about this late at night, and then wanting to understand more.  I started to follow both of them on Twitter and then on Facebook.  I wanted a better understanding of how to accomplish this.

After a year they wrote a book called Beyond Ordinary (http://www.amazon.com/Beyond-Ordinary-When-Marriage-Enough/dp/1414372272). I wanted to see if I was going to like it as much as what they put on their website a year ago so I downloaded it on my Kindle first to pre-view it.  After I just got totally sucked in and when it asked to buy it of course I did and well just kept on reading.  I was tagging highlighting and everything this book so much.  I ordered a hard copy and well it is all marked up and looks like a collage text book.

When I started the book I was finding time between my kids activities, where ever I was I had it with me and I would just grab sections of it when I could.

I was becoming alarmed reading this but hopeful.  While reading this knowing that well it isn't my life but if someone else could over come the odds well maybe it is possible.  Maybe there is hope.

I know that I had done what I could to survive.  I know I had protected my kids and loved them so much.  I know that I have put up walls of protection but well I know that I want to love my friend again.  I know there is always something going on in a family and in life but well if you just keep ignoring things or putting on a mask it will never get better.

Weeks would easily pass and we wouldn't talk or have important conversations.  We could not even remember the last time we went on a date.  A moment alone what is that?  And well worst things is do we even want one of them? What would we have to talk about or do?  Little eyes and ears are everywhere.  We can't really do any talking or working things out until the kids aren't around.

I know that you must go beyond what is usual to have a great marriage.  I just didn't really understand how.  I know you have to really want it and be intentional and well I was at my breaking point.  I really wanted this to happen and to work if it was.  I was willing to put it all on the line.  I had to stop putting my marriage at the bottom or somewhere on my never-ending to-do list.

The greatest thing and way I can describe this book it isn't the fact that I could relate with them in many areas, that it just made sense for once, and that it was one of the first books I had picked up in ages.  This book was about teaching me how to modify my behavior.

And here it was…all of it making perfect sense, finally put into words.
I want honesty.
I want real intimacy.
I want to be fully known.
I want God to change the broken areas of my heart.
I want my marriage to be transformed to extraordinary.

“God doesn't want to improve your marriage; He wants to transform it.  God doesn’t want to modify your behavior; He wants to change your heart.  Extraordinary comes when you, as a husband or wife, invite God to change you.”

So yes I have been praying and asking for God to change me.

I know that this is a hard thing and that understanding troubles in life, marriage, and your family are so hard.  I have just been having to learn to know that I am not alone, that there is a way, and that you just have to find your path.  To go from ordinary to extraordinary also doesn't happen over night.  It takes time, digging deep, and prayer.

I know my journey isn't over and that it has only just begun.  I am just hoping that I can see an amazing picture in even 5 or 10 years down the road and even longer.  

So my husband and I have known that we haven't been in the best place in our marriage for a number of years now.  We just celebrated our 18 years of marriage last month and over 20 years together but we really wanted to just celebrate about 12 or 13 of those years.  So yeah that tells you we have had some years of rocky roads.

We have had our fights, late nights, chats, times where even he has said if it would be better for us and the family he would just leave.  Well I didn't know what to do.  I knew my heart was hurt.  I knew I was broken but the strange thing was no matter what happened to me and what was going on or being said to me I just knew that all of those were the wrong choices.  I knew that we were suppose to be together and that I was suppose to be in the picture to help find a way to fix things and to work things out and to do all that I could to continue to honor and serve God.  I knew I had made a commitment to him and that this marriage wasn't mine that we gave it to him.  So I just said no and stood firm and fought hard and cried tons not knowing what to do next.

I knew that I had great examples of Godly grandparents that were married for over 50 years and served in the ministry for years.  I had Godly parents that were involved in church and a father that was an amazing example to me.  I know he was because of his mom my other Grandma.  My dad's sister and her husband have in their years become missionaries.  So I have just been blessed by great examples to God.  So I knew that I needed to fight deep down to keep my marriage together and strong.  We have been serving and working in many ways in our church since we have been together.  So I just needed to keep praying and find away to make things work.

I have over the years read blogs and things on marriage and well so many people who have go through even less than what I have gave up.  There wasn't a lot for support or how to make things work.  As I started to realize that I just couldn't make this walk alone I knew that I had to finally reach out for help. I tried or wanted to but didn't know how.  I would want to ask friends, people at church, I did searches on the internet to see what I could find or do to help me.  I wasn't going to give up but I wanted to try what I could to try and help myself and my marriage but I though for some reason I had to do it alone.  One day I don't know what happened but I just broke down.  I cried at church (I have done that before) and I didn't know what to do but I was walking down to get my kids and I ran into my pastors wife.  I asked her to pray for me.  I was so shocked but she did right then in the hallway.  After she gave me some resources to go home and look up.  I did.  They have been life changing for me.

I started reading one book once I got it and well it was good but I quickly realized it wasn't my story.  I just didn't connect and well where it was sad I couldn't relate and still felt lost.  Then I look at the second resource from the RefineUs ministry and well that grabbed me and touched me from the moment I found them.  I read the 8 Things that destroyed your marriage and well I was in tears.  I went to my husband and said I want to read something with you.  This was the first time I had been really close to him in ages but it just felt right.  We started to read it together and started to talk about things late into the night.  I was for sure that this was our stepping stone.  What I came to find is it was but it took a lot of time for things to develop with my husband.  I was at a breaking point and this was what I needed.  I needed this support and needed to know more.  So I kept up with them as much as I could so that I would not loose hope in my marriage.  I felt this was the only hope that I had at this point.

After about a year I had read the book that had come out from the ministry called Beyond Ordinary.  It opened my eyes, my heart, and started to give me hope to a new beginning.  This was not all I had to do was to read the book though.  I had to open things up with my husband again.  I tried to talk with him about our situation again and let him know that I wasn't happy the way things were.  So this year I didn't want to celebrate our anniversary.  I was giving him his last chance to either work on things or to resolve our marriage.  I just could not do this to myself or my kids anymore.

I was so scared to just put it all on the line like that but I knew deep down that I have tried so many ways and tried to be nice, tried to talk, tried to bring things up, and well nothing was working.  So well I guess I just had to be real and say this is it we either fix us or there is no us.  To my surprise and he took off slowly but it started to happen he knew this was his last chance.  So now we are taking steps to try and make changes.
 

Ever wonder why God does or allows some of the things He Does? I do, all the time. the past two weeks or so have been full of bad/good news in my life and family. A friend started opening up and sharing about his life and family, another friend got baptized and his life started to change direction & focus. I supported a friend that broke down at church after hearing a message of just what they needed to hear. Another friend started to realize some problems in their life and relationships and is wanting to start to work repairing things. Another friend had a miscarriage. One of my best friends has decided to divorce her husband after 12 years. She is also having troubles with her oldest son acting out. I have started to work on my marriage and try to repair and recover an almost 20 yr relationship. Friendships have changed. The list I know can go on and on as I am sure yours could too.

I have grown to have a different view on things over the years. Things that I have gone through in my past have helped shape me into the person I am today. I know I don't always seem strong but I know that I have always had God beside me. From the time I found out I had a heart problem when I was a freshman in college. I know he was with me through each heart surgery I had.  Through the hard times in my marriage I knew I wasn't alone.  I was strong when I went through years of infertility to have both of my kids.  The hardships, pain, loss that I suffered during that time was hard.  I miscarried, lost pregancies, or just had no reason why things weren't working at all.  I knew that I wasn't alone.  When I found out I had early stage uteran cancer a year after I had my daughter, I was like how could this be happening to me?  I started to ask why is God letting all of these things happen to me.  I knew in my heart he wouldn't let me handle anything I couldn't.  It was just hard to be so young and to have had so many things to struggle with.  I asked myself why do some people have nothing to deal with and some people have just one major thing but what did I do to get so much? 

I know that it wasn't for me to be in pain or for me to hurt.  It was for me to be broken so that I could be there for others.  I know that God has had a place for me I just didn't know his plan.  To me I know that I have watched the news and it is hard to hear sometimes but it is for me a bit easier because somedays I have lived through pain.  I have lived through on pins and needles on skype the only communication we had after the tsunami in Japan to a couple friends to know that they were OK.  One we had to hang onto that communication as he was being evacuated from the area he was in and put on a ship to come home.  A ship we would have no cotact with him for weeks.  It has been hard to live in my home knowing my dad collaped and died when I was 7 months pregnant with my first.  We almost sold the house 1 time.  I spent almost 3 years not even using the down stairs and it took me years to use the part my dad was in.  I know that the pain and hurt are real but that they are things that make me stronger.

I know that some people don't stay in touch with people, have many friends, or whatever your relationships are with your friends.  But for me I cherish my friendships.  I actually have liked all the people that have come into my life.  My whole life.  I know that relationships are up and down and come with baggage.  I know that we all do and well that is something that I love.  For me when I sit late at night on my bed talking to a girlfriend (just like I did when I was a kid) I cherish that time.  I love all the crazy, fun, deep things we talk about.  To me no matter what someone says I know that they are needing a friend or someone at that time in there life to just be there.  I don't take notes, I don't write it down, I am not keeping a score card.  I am just there for them because one day they will hopefully be there for me.  Yes I might be human and we all are.  I know we all have talked to our friends about others.  We talk about is that boy cute, did he look at you, did so and so say something to you today.  We do and this is human nature to have these co-dependent relationships.  There is nothing wrong with this but what is wrong is for someone to go outside of the relationship and to try to hurt the relationship.  The sad thing is people do this all the time and it happens in friendships and in families.  I don't know why people do this to each other because all it does it tear each other apart and hurt.  Friendships are not built this way, I am not built this way.  I find it hard enough as I am getting older to feel that I can trust or get close to someone because you always have to guard what you do and say.  I don't feel I can be who I am and that is sad.  I want to be me for people, my friends, my family to know me for me.  Not for me to hide because I am hurting inside and afraid to share about myself.

For me I am realizing that I need a community of amazing people, good friends, a great church, God, and things in my life so that I can work to be strong and repair.  I don't need baggage and pain.  I don't need to suffer for what I have done.  I have hurt in my life already and I just don't need it.  I know I have a hard time with this.  Because I seem strong on the outside but on the inside I fall apart.  I remember all the things, the pain, the suffering and it eats at me and I feel so weak.

We have been married for almost 2 decades, vows said in 1995.  Jason was an intern at Microsoft.  Just after graduation (when I was getting to know him) his parents moved to CA.  They decided he had a good opportunity here in WA so he should stay and moved him into a house with a room to rent in Seattle.  We first started to meet each other for the first time at going away parties for mutual friends that were going away to college or the military.  He tried to win my attention by bouncing a tennis ball at me over and over to get my attention.  Instead it annoyed me.  Although as he left one night he wanted to know 2 things about me and one was if I was single.  As the summer went on we got to know each other and become good friends and just never seemed to leave each others sides.  It wasn't until our friends said we were dating that we said "oh I guess we are".

As time went on and I went to college and he continued to work in the fast growing tech world.  He was traveling at trade shows and was gone for sometimes a week at a time.  Back then I knew I was in school and that this was his job so I had to trust him when he was working.  Although, as a young woman with growing feelings it was hard to not think of what could be happening when he was working late or on the road traveling.

As I finished school and we got married during my last spring break.  I went into computing as well and worked at Microsoft too.  Now we were both spending long hours there and newly married.  It was a crazy way to start out life together.  We didn't leave much time for each other.  We had weekends which we cleaned up the apartment, did some things together, went to church, saw some friends, but not much.  It was also during these first years too that as we started to try to figure things out also porn started to show up in our marriage.  At first we would just be watching tv and oh my guess what this is on late night tv.  To sometimes I would think he would be working on something in our office in our apartment and I would find him looking at online porn.  I started back then not knowing and thinking well it was bad if he was hiding it from me so if he wanted to do it at least do it in front of me so I knew what he was doing.  But I still didn't like it.  I didn't know why it took something like that to make him happy and to get into it and to feel that way and I couldn't do that to him and for him.  I then started to feel so bad about myself.

With in the first couple years I went through 3 exploratory heart surgeries.  I was the 3rd in the nation to have a surgery that is now common.  I had to wait for a tool to be developed once diagnosed to fix my heart.  After we battled those medical issues we started to try to have a family.  After having feelings of not being able to make my husband totally happy and now this of having to try so hard to have a baby.  All the drugs and doctor appointments I started to gain weight.  I was not the person I when we met.  After a couple of years of trying we went through over 5 years of infertility.  I lost track of the amount of miscarriages and I had 2 DN&C's.  We never got to deal with any of this because they didn't want us to loose a month or to loose momentum.  So we got numb to everything and each other. 

In 2002 we found our we were pregnant with twins.  We were so happy to be parents finally.  We didn't want to keep it in we wanted everyone to know so that they could walk through this amazing event with us.  At 3 1/2 months we lost one of the babies.  It was hard to learn of the loss but we knew that we still had one baby.  We kept going with a good pregnancy so as we thought.  We had all these monitors and I was high risk after the heart problems.  So I was watched closely.  At one point they did one of the blood tests and told us that our baby could have downs syndrome.  They told us we could terminate the pregnancy.  We said without a doubt no way that we would love this child no matter what. 

So during my pregnancy I my dad & mom came to visit and my dad got really sick.  He collapsed at my house.  I had to call 911 and have him taken to the hospital where later he passed away.  For me I was devastated.  I had lost the one person that was my rock, my best friend, my everything.  That moment changed my life forever.  I also around this time lost both of my grandmothers, my uncle, and other people in my life that were center people in my family and my life.  I felt as my whole world was falling in around me.  It has truly changed my family forever. 

After my son was born we tried to enjoy this new little family of ours.  I was excited to be a stay at home mom.  I even tried some at home businesses too.  We traveled with our son because we were use to that from my husband's job.  He had all sorts of miles so we took him all sorts of places.  When it was our 11 year anniversary we tried to kick start things in our love life again after so many years.  Things didn't go as planned.  We had a good trip but my husband got sick so it wasn't the relaxing romantic time that we had in mind.  After that trip we both realized that we were not who we married and had gained weight and things through the life and struggles we had gone through so we wanted to work on making some changes for us and our family.

Well that plan backfired big time.  We both started to work out and loose weight.  Heck I lost about 100 lbs.  but that was the start of something huge that would change our marriage forever.  We started going out to night clubs, dancing, I started taking trips to Vegas with my girl friends to just get away and hopefully come back and have him miss me and have a spark or something.  I just wanted to know I was attractive and I liked the new person and mom I was becoming for my son.  It was all I wanted to be a healthy mom that could play and get on the floor with him and not drag around so much extra weight.  Porn also came into our marriage full force as well as infidelity.  My husband called me into his office one day and he was on an online chat with couples to get together with us.  He told me it was to spice up our marriage.  I told him no way.  One night we were at the mall and we ran into these people and he knew them and started talking and they had their kids and I thought maybe from work or something so I was nice.  They came to dinner with us and at dinner it was more than dinner.  I found out later they were a couple he had found online and they were there to meet us.  I was shocked.  Things were just out of control.  I have seen and experienced things in my marriage that have scared me.  And I knew it one night when I looked at my husband with eyes like who is this man?  I put up a wall and I was hurt so much.  But the next morning after I put that wall up I also knew too that something wasn't right I took an old pregnancy test I had and took it and it was positive.  I stepped into the room with shock and tears and told my husband that I think I was pregnant.  He sat up and said to me well we can get an abortion.  My life and marriage at that point was totally changed right there forever.  I became numb. 

We went to the doctor a few days later to confirm the pregnancy and they said we were.  I looked at my husband to see if he was going to change his mind about the abortion and he didn't.  He told the doctor that we were thinking of an abortion.  I couldn't say anything and neither did my doctor.  I kept going to the appointments and just hoped that if I made it past the point we couldn't get one or that he would see this is a baby and things would change.  I did make it through the pregnancy and we did have a beautiful little girl.

Because of all of this I have had such a bond with her and have had problems letting her get close to him because I didn't want harm to come to her.  I wanted to be with her and protect her always.
During my pregnancy the economy also changed and so did my husband's job.  In order for him to keep his job he made a home office while I was on bed rest and pregnant.  Since he has worked from home and travels still from time to time.  It has changed our marriage and our relationship to have him around but locked away where no one can touch him.  It has been hard for us to find a balance and to know how to make this situation work.  We have really struggled with this.

After all of these things and driving for 10 years to church that was 40 minutes away just because it was the church I grew up in, we got married in, and my mother still went to and all the other things that has happened in our marriage we were having a hard time getting up, getting ready, piling the kids in the car to go walk through the doors to go serve others.  I was the nursery director and my husband was involved in the church too.  But still we just weren't being fed.  We had no support and we were so broken.  After all these years and making the drive and then to have our kids be told that they weren't there enough to know the Christmas program to participate well that was our last straw.  We were done.  We knew we needed something and well we didn't know what but this wasn't it.  So we left.  We didn't look back we just walked out like every other Sunday and left. 

We didn't even go to church for a couple months until one weekend our son asked us if we were going to church this week.  Well we know if we weren't going back or where?  So we started to search.  We looked and tried.  And after much fail and still feeling so broken with little hope we were almost ready to give up.  Until one Sunday at a last effort we looked up and found our church Eastlake and we walked in.  We felt something we hadn't before.  But it was more...it was the first message.  It was about abortion.  And I was a mess.  Here I was so broken, hurting, not knowing where to turn, if I could be loved.  But then I heard this message and it changed my life forever.  I had found a safe place for me to cry where no one could see how bad I was hurting in side.  I found a place that no one was there to judge me for all the things that has happened to me or my marriage.  I found a place that I finally felt safe.

It has taken me a year but I finally I was able to share to one of the people that shared that first day at Eastlake how special they are to me.  I never told them my story I just said thank you for sharing that day.  I also after over a year was finally able to ask for resources and prayer about my marriage.  I was able to be specific some so that I could start to heal so that we could start to heal.  It was a big step but one that I am so thankful for and one that I will never regret. 

According to American Christian standards and human statistics, we shouldn't have made it through any of this to be left standing as a family unit, but God had a different plan for them that included humility and a change in lifestyle. After 12 years of marriage, the harsh pain of porn, night clubs, and infidelity came into and forever altered our lives.  Pornography seems to be something that I at first didn't think much of.  I caught him watching it at times but then he would try to make it OK if we watched it together.  I didn't want it on I wasn't interested in it.  But being young and I was never taught about this stuff other than at school I didn't know if it was normal or OK.  So when I told him I wasn't interested he just wouldn't do it with me anymore.  It wasn't something that would happen all the time and it wasn't the same way all the time.  It could be on tv, computer, whatever.  After the 12 years it took it to far and wanted to bring other people into our marriage.  That was not OK with me.  I should have left him but I didn't.  I could not believe that my best friend would do this to me or his kids.  I could not believe this was him doing these things.  This was not the person I married and met.  I got in his face and said what are you doing?  What are you doing to this family?  Why would you do this to us?  He started to realize that what happened to us and what he was doing scared him.  That what he was doing that he could loose me.  That if he didn't stop I was going to leave him and take our son. 

Now we are on the hard journey of reconciling our marriage and down a path of salvation, forgiveness, trust, and grace that to hopefully be a beautiful but hard journey.  I know God has bigger plans for us I don't know what they are but I know that the steps we are taking and taking together now are we are doing it together.

So after 15 almost 16 years of marriage Jason and I knew that we needed a change.  We had been through so much in our lives and that there was so much baggage that we had going on and hurt we knew at this point we needed some change.  The Christmas of 2009 we left our church were planted.  I was the nursery coordinator and my husband was involved in the ministry as well.  We just one Sunday were so hurt bad enough finally that we just said we were not going back.

We didn't know what our next steps were going to be and for a few months we didn't do anything.  Until one Sunday our kids started asking if we were going to go to church.  We started to think well this isn't just about us we have our kids that also have a need for God as well.  So we wanted to start over.  We started our search for our new "home".  We would try out a church for a couple weeks to see if our family liked it or not.  It was really hard for our little one because she really didn't like many places.  She would cry and not want to let us go.  So usually one of us would have to be with her and then trade off the next week.

Then finally when we were ready to give up hope we decided to give it one last chance.  We looked up on the internet one last time and we found one more.  We thought we had heard of this place before and we found out that one of my husband's uncles attended the church.  So we got ready and went to check it out.  Our kids loved it.  We didn't have to stay with our daughter, we didn't get a call to get her, we both sat and listened to a message for the first time together in years.  It was amazing.  And the topic we heard that day made us both cry.  We knew this was our new home.  We knew we were broken and this was the place where God brought us that day when we were ready to give up hope.

Ever since we walked through the doors we have started to have healing in our hearts.  We have started to get involved in serving, helping others, just doing whatever is needed.  We have started some special projects and we have just loved every minute of it.  We have been apart of and started many small groups.  We have just loved meeting others and connecting.  It has been so great to grow and share with others.

Along this journey I have still felt like there is a part of me (us) that just still was not healed.  A part that was still broken.  No matter how much we got involved it didn't solve what was originally broken.  So one day I came out of the service during the songs crying.  Later as we were wrapping up to go home I saw my pastor's wife and just asked her to pray for me.  She did right there.  She didn't know what was happening in my life but she gave me 2 resources.  Before I could even write them down I had forgot them.  I got home and got in contact with her and she gave them to me again.  1 was a book to read and another was a website to a marriage ministry.  The RefineUS.org ministry.  What I didn't know then was that this ministry and their resources and book would be the underlying part in our dialogue in our marriage.

Late one night after putting the kids down we first started a year ago to read the 8 Things That Destroyed Our Marriage.  As we read it we just saw our marriage layed out right in front of us.  We saw some of our biggest problems, fights, and things we didn't know how to handle right there layed out for us and someone else was talking about it too and going through it too.

We first started our discovery about prayer.  Praying together and being selfish.  How do 2 amazing people with 2 amazing kids raised in the church and growing in leadership roles in the church have a family with all these issues?  How do we talk about them to each other?  How do we bring up all the baggage and not want to just end it all?  How do you get there?  What are some of the thing in a marriage that make it just hit rock bottom like that?  Prayer is one of the most talked about things but it is also one of the most over looked things.

We started to realize that we are trying to lead a good family founded on God.  We were always involved in the church and helping people find their way back to God, praying for people, praying for people in our small group, praying for our friends in hard times, over their marriages...yet there was a barrier in our marriage when it came to praying for each other.  It is totally embarrassing.  When I did pray for Jason I would pray in a selfish way that God would change him open his eyes because he didn't see his way or that he was doing something wrong and I didn't like it.

When things started to change and go for the worse in our marriage I realized that I was the one that needed to change...even if Jason never changed.  I was in desperate need for something drastic to happen and I needed God to change my life and change me.  Marriage is emotional and yes it is physical but more than anything it should also be spiritual and if we don't make that important in our lives and marriage our foundation for an amazing relationship will be broken.  It will begin to eroded away.

When you forgive, the person who hurt you doesn’t win—Christ wins. He wins another part of your heart. When you forgive, you allow Christ to have not only more of your heart but more of your marriage. Where forgiveness lives, intimacy can be restored.

http://refine.us/17qyO0U