I normally don't have time for books because I am busy with my family, life, kids, and well can usually find something else to do other than reading.  I usually NEVER have quiet time to myself.  I know most of my mom friends we have all talked at least once together about never having a bathroom moment alone.

For some reason I get to see some of my friends go on girls trips, weekends, or even a moment to get their toes done.  I have never had that.  For some reason I have even offered to cash in air miles to take a friend some place with me, offered when I knew they were not able to afford the extra money but had the time to get nails done to just pay so that I could have time with them and hang with my friend for the day.  I really wish that I didn't have to make them feel bad or anything about money because it isn't about that it is about time away.  Why is girl time so hard for me?

Oh well. Since I have all this time to myself and I fill it with other things and I never know or pick out a book that might interest me or that can hold my attention.

I know that the amount of recipes, things I find on pinterst, the ideas I have for redecorating, the constant to-do list.  With all of these things I just don't have the time or interest to be the romantic I was.

True romance does not have a recipe it just is. It is a feeling and things just happen just because it is right.

I just well have had a hard time at times understanding and going through all of my emotions and understanding where things are in my life.  I started to look for songs, blogs, poems, something to help me express how I was feeling.  I knew someone had to feel like me but I just could not imagine someone else expressing it in a way that others could ever understand.

I knew my marriage was not one that was going to fit in the perfect box and that really no one was going to understand what I was feeling or going through.  I knew reading some of the things and outlines that were suggestions well I was so far out of that I knew that I didn't know what to do or where to turn.  I was feeling lost.

I didn't want to follow a script that someone else did and was written by someone and hope that I would come out like them.  I knew that I was not in that kind of position.

After all my marriage is unique.

Listen...

One day I just didn't know what to do.  I had thought for years about talking to someone, my pastor, a friend.  But I just stuffed it all way.  I knew that I just could not I knew that I didn't want to be judged or something worse I thought so I just moved on.  I started to meet some really cool people and I started to pray.  I started to have the doors to my heart open up.  After trying to think, read, understand what was going on in my life and marriage alone I knew I just could not keep at this alone.

So one day I walked up to a friend and with little words just asking for prayer she dropped everything and prayed for me.  That moment was the door opening in my life.  She introduced me to a couple of amazing women.  One had a book about her story and the other had a newer website with just a document on it.

After years of not reading anything I read these to things both late at night and the first one was the book I knew it was good but not for me.  The other I went to the http://www.refineus.org/ebook/ website and read the only thing they had at the time called 8 Things that Destroyed Our Marriage.  I was immediately intrigued by what I read.

I  wanted to know how this woman found the strength to forgive her husband.  I wanted to understand how someone digs deep enough to overcome an extramarital affair and how they ever rebuild that trust. I  wanted to comprehend where this woman found the courage, the strength, to forgive the unforgivable.

After reading this over and over, having talks with my husband about this late at night, and then wanting to understand more.  I started to follow both of them on Twitter and then on Facebook.  I wanted a better understanding of how to accomplish this.

After a year they wrote a book called Beyond Ordinary (http://www.amazon.com/Beyond-Ordinary-When-Marriage-Enough/dp/1414372272). I wanted to see if I was going to like it as much as what they put on their website a year ago so I downloaded it on my Kindle first to pre-view it.  After I just got totally sucked in and when it asked to buy it of course I did and well just kept on reading.  I was tagging highlighting and everything this book so much.  I ordered a hard copy and well it is all marked up and looks like a collage text book.

When I started the book I was finding time between my kids activities, where ever I was I had it with me and I would just grab sections of it when I could.

I was becoming alarmed reading this but hopeful.  While reading this knowing that well it isn't my life but if someone else could over come the odds well maybe it is possible.  Maybe there is hope.

I know that I had done what I could to survive.  I know I had protected my kids and loved them so much.  I know that I have put up walls of protection but well I know that I want to love my friend again.  I know there is always something going on in a family and in life but well if you just keep ignoring things or putting on a mask it will never get better.

Weeks would easily pass and we wouldn't talk or have important conversations.  We could not even remember the last time we went on a date.  A moment alone what is that?  And well worst things is do we even want one of them? What would we have to talk about or do?  Little eyes and ears are everywhere.  We can't really do any talking or working things out until the kids aren't around.

I know that you must go beyond what is usual to have a great marriage.  I just didn't really understand how.  I know you have to really want it and be intentional and well I was at my breaking point.  I really wanted this to happen and to work if it was.  I was willing to put it all on the line.  I had to stop putting my marriage at the bottom or somewhere on my never-ending to-do list.

The greatest thing and way I can describe this book it isn't the fact that I could relate with them in many areas, that it just made sense for once, and that it was one of the first books I had picked up in ages.  This book was about teaching me how to modify my behavior.

And here it was…all of it making perfect sense, finally put into words.
I want honesty.
I want real intimacy.
I want to be fully known.
I want God to change the broken areas of my heart.
I want my marriage to be transformed to extraordinary.

“God doesn't want to improve your marriage; He wants to transform it.  God doesn’t want to modify your behavior; He wants to change your heart.  Extraordinary comes when you, as a husband or wife, invite God to change you.”

So yes I have been praying and asking for God to change me.

I know that this is a hard thing and that understanding troubles in life, marriage, and your family are so hard.  I have just been having to learn to know that I am not alone, that there is a way, and that you just have to find your path.  To go from ordinary to extraordinary also doesn't happen over night.  It takes time, digging deep, and prayer.

I know my journey isn't over and that it has only just begun.  I am just hoping that I can see an amazing picture in even 5 or 10 years down the road and even longer.  

1. I felt like I become a single parent for two weeks because my husband got so busy with work and applying for a new position.  I have a totally have respect for single parents.
2. The school year ends which requires my contributions and time for yearend parties, 3rd grade graduations, and transporting my two kids around to every social event under the sun.  I now understand why parents like it when their kids learn to drive. 
3. Evan got scheduled for his braces off the SAME day my husband had something major at work happen.  Among other things that day so it was just so crazy to try and be in a million places all at the same time.  We managed and now he is on to the next faze in life and got them off in time to show all his friends before school was out.
4. Both kids have had dance recitals.  They had to have the rehersal on Father's day weekend and then the rehersal the weekend after.  Things went really smooth and it was just so nice.  The kids did great at getting them selves ready, dressed, and knowing where their things were.  They both also preformed so well too.  It was great to see how much they have grown.  So proud of them.
5. Summer Growth groups have started.  We are the leaders for 3, co-leaders for 1, participating in 4.  Our schedules are just jammed packed.  We are all over the place trying to fit everything in.  Plus we are serving at our church every Sunday morning and we are getting ready to help launch some new campuses with our church.  We are so excited to be apart of all of this and to be used in so many ways.  We are just trying to keep track of it all. 
6. I am trying to stay on top of my meal schedule for when I am suppose to eat.  Because of our groups I have to stay on top of meal planning, shopping lists, and finding time to go to the market or having it delivered.  I have to stay on top of things because we are on the go so much I need to have something for everyday and for when we are running out the door.
7. I am trying to also plan outings for the kids and family.  As well as vacations to take with everyone.  I have limited time because of my husband's job, our groups, and other things we are involved in.  Plus my boys are in a karate tournament this Aug. too.  So this is like putting a puzzle together and trying to make it so everyone is happy.  It is the hardest job on earth.  I don't even think the happiest place on earth will work for this family lol.
8. It is a week away from the fourth of July.  I have to start getting ready for our big neighborhood party.  I have to start to think of what to make, to get things decorated, and ready for a huge party.  My mind is starting to spin thinking it is so close.
9. I have sleepovers and playdates happening and being planned daily.
10. I feel completely inadequate because most of my friends who are just as busy if not busier than me with vacation bible school or other things manages to find time to write on her blog, update facebook, etc. just about every day.  Whereas I barely have time to respond to emails and blog comments and run a business.
11. I have become an expert of looking up medical issues and other things on the internet. 
12. I have tried to start working out again but I just can't find the time.  I get a day here and there.  Mostly I just get a sweat in when I am racing shopping around costco with that huge cart and trying to get out in less than 40 min. I also workup a sweat cleaning my house.  But I have made it at least once a week to do a workout at home.  I met with a new personal trainer one time but then I had to go to the dr. and now his wife just had a new baby.  So we are on hold which is OK with me.  It will all happen someday.

There Are No Words
Author Unknown

There are no words...what can I say?
At last her sweet soul winged its way

To peace and freedom in the sky
Where never again will she suffer or cry.

It's all part of God's great plan...
Which remains a mystery to man.

We cannot understand His ways
Nor can we count our earthly days

But who are we to question and doubt?
God knoweth well what He's about;

He knew she longed to "go to sleep"
Where only angels, a vigil keep.

The pain of living grew too great
No longer could she stay and wait.

She did not want to leave you, dear,
But she had finished here work down here.

So she closed her eyes and when she awoke,
These are the words the Master spoke...

"Welcome, dear child, you are home at last,
And now the burden of living is past"

"There's work for you in My Kingdome, dear
And you are needed and wanted here."

So weep not, she has just gone on ahead,
Don't think of her as being dead.

She's out of sight for a little while,
And you'll miss her touch and her little smile,

But you know she is safe in the home above
Where there is nothing but Peace and Love.

And, surely, you would not deny her peace...
And you're glad that she has found release

Think of her there as a soul that is free,
And home at last, where she wanted to be.

***I found this years ago when I had miscarried and I found it again when I just had a friend who miscarried her first baby. 

I just had to share one of my newest ideas.  I did this at my daughters 4th birthday party.  It was a huge hit.  Because of that we have done it for our growth group as well.  It is just a cool way to hold and handle the watermelon.  The kids just love it.  It makes it so easy for them to eat it.  So give this a try this summer to have your watermelon pops!!!

My husband and I run a small group from our church during the week.  We are now on our 2nd session and have gone through the breaks because people just have connected.  We usually eat, gather, and talk about the message for the week.  We have hit many topics and some we have shared many personal things too.  Some nights we even have tears. 

We are on a new series about LOVE.  We have been talking about love in marriage and relationships.  How love impacts our relationships.  Well for some it has been hard because they are just getting into a relationship, some have been in a relationship or marriage for a while, and others are not in a relationship an more but can have lots of input too. 

I know for me that my marriage for the 17 years of marriage and 20 years I have known him has not been easy.  And well it shouldn't be for that long.  I know that we married young and that opposites attract.  We have also been learning about bringing baggage into a relationship.  Well I think back at how young we were.  We didn't know what baggage our families had, what we were going to be molded into as people, or how things would start to pan out.  This was a journey that we were going to have to go through life together with.  For us we have had things a bit different than some.  Some people that marry later and have had time and age to process some of these things in life yes these things can impact who you are and your relationship.  But when you are so young you don't have that understanding.

For us in our marriage we so far have been able to work through things.  And yes we have talked about and worked out some really hard and tough issues in our years.  As we have told each other there are some friends and people in our lives that would have gotten a divorce over some or half of the stuff we have been through.  It isn't easy and we will be the first ones to admit that but we do know that being alone is hard too.  So if you are going to have a great marriage, it will cost you.  What do you think some of the costs are to having a great marriage? 

In a marriage you also have to realize you come from different families.  What are some of the differences about your family you have learned maybe aren't the same as other people's family's?  Well for us we talk about this from time to time and know that our families are very different.  My husband his family they sheltered him from a lot to protect him from things.  He didn't know a lot about what was going on or what is still going on in the family.  Both of his parents came from parents that drank and had abuse.  Because of that both of his parents didn't believe and raise their kids with physical punishment.  My family 3 out of 4 kids were adopted.  I grew up with one side of the family being Swedish (my mom's) and the other side was southern (my dad).  I grew up with great family traditions, close family, in the kitchen with grandma. 

Sometimes you might think the grass is greener on the other side but that isn't true.  It is greener where you water it.  When you take care of and water your relationship and care for the important relationship you have you won't be tempted by things that can come into your relationship to tear it down.  In our relationship we have had our struggles but thinking about this we know that the grass isn't greener.  It is hard though for some this can mean so many things.  So make sure that you talk it out and know that you are there for each other. 

Encouragement is something that is huge in a relationship.  You need to make sure that you provide an environment of encouragement in your community for other people's relationships.  Make sure that you take a deep breathe when you are handling issues with your spouse and try to talk calmly about things.  It is hard to not yell at them sometimes but then really everyone stops listening.  So try to work on calming tones and talking things through.

Remember that divorce is not a result of the kids leaving it is a result of years of neglect.  What things do you think get neglected when kids come into the picture?  What can you do to avoid neglecting your marriage? 

“Love is what we are born with.
Fear is what we learn.
The spiritual journey is the unlearning of fear and prejudices and the acceptance of love back in our hearts. Love is the essential reality and our purpose on earth. To be consciously aware of it, to experience love in ourselves and others, is the meaning of life.
Meaning does not lie in things.
Meaning lies in us."

~ Marianne Williamson

This is for all you stay at home parents out there! 

A man came home from work and found his 3 children outside, still in their pyjamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn around garden, The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house and no sign of the dog, walking in the door, he found ...an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, the throw rug was against one wall, In the front room the TV was on loudly with the cartoon channel, the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door. 

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she might be ill, or that something serious had happened. He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door. As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap and more toys strewn over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls. 

As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pyjamas, reading a novel... She looked up at him, smiled and asked how his day went.

He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?"

She again smiled and answered, "You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world do I do all day?..."
"Yes," was his incredulous reply..

She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it."

Re share! Photographer unknown - please let me know if you do :)

Today is my tiny ones birthday! I just can't believe that she is 4 years old. It is amazing to me that wow how time does just fly by.  I know she will always be my baby girl.  From the moment I found out I was pregnant with her I knew my life was going to change forever.  And it did.  So many things have happened and changed but I am so blessed to have her and everything that has happened because of her.

My pregnancy was going quite well with her until I up and broke my ankle.  Yes I had to be on bed rest for most of the pregnancy after that.  I actually delivered her in a brace.  It was just amazing and the worst was to take my first steps in the hospital without a brace on out of my hospital bed knowing I had just a newborn baby that needed me.  Placing my weight on it and stepping I knew it was all for her.  I did it.  And from then on I knew I was strong enough to take anything for her.

The first year was really tough she was not a good sleeper at all.  I think I spent the first year in a chair sleeping.  She went to a sleep study even at Children's Hospital.  Yes she is a tough cookie too.  She has such a great and fun personality one that is just infectious.  And yet she is a lover too.  She is so smart and learning so much.  With all that she has going for her some people actually think she is older than she is.  Whatever it is I know I just love her so much and she is just my little best friend.

We love to hang out together, she loves to have me do her hair, and we love to put on make-up together.  She loves to go shopping with me.  She actually has great fashion sense and style.  She is my little Fashionista.  I know I will love to watch her as she grows but I also know I will cry along the way.  I just hope that she knows how much her mom loves her.  I love you my little Tinkerbell princess.  Happy Birthday Aaliyah!!!

These days I have been working hard to try and find some middle ground.  For years even before we had kids I tried to talk and come up with a plan to have a middle ground for raising our kids.  And for years I have tried to work hard to be better with my temper and things and to be more calm about things so that we have a better middle ground. 

Well with all of this work, years, and things tried and gone by failed I just don't know what to do.  Things for years I have been able to keep to myself and deal with but these days with having kids and a family it is harder to hide things.  It isn't that I am not trying to keep it to myself but well people feel it, know, and can tell that something is up.

It hurts when your mom starts to notice and worry about you and hopes that things will be OK.. She knows I am strong and will fight and take care of things but she wants to let me know she is there for me.  It is one of the first times in my life that I have felt good about my mom being there for me and supporting me.

I want to raise my kids like my dad raised me with love but with strenght and discipline.  He was a great dad and guy.  He was a great example and I want to be an example like that to my kids.  I want to be strong and to be there for them and to love them always.  He was like a big teddy bear but you respected him.  He was a high school teacher, football coach, and so much more.  Everyone loved him and remembers him.  And yes that is what I live up to and want to be like a loving, caring parent, but one that my kids know when they have done wrong.

But I worry because in our house it is divided and where I try to show my kids one way my husband is different.  And the kids know it and sometimes take advantage of that. It is really hard when my little one throws a fit in public or something to see how he handles it. The kids are one way for him, one way for me, but together it is a mess at times.  And sometimes when things get really bad and he is trying to deal with it but it isn't going well he takes them to me and says now you have to tell your mom what you did.  And he turns it then to me to finish it and deal with it.  It is hard when this happens because then what is this telling the kids?  I get stressed, embarrased, want to cry, and so many feelings it is just hard to deal with.

I want a middle ground but I don't know what to do to find one.  I know I am trying really hard to have great kids but I know this is just really hard.

Today it is just another amazing day in my house.  My 3 year old wants the tv on but she won't stay in the room to watch the movie or show that is on.  But the second you try and turn it she runs in the room and starts to throw and amazing 3 year old fit.  Oh yeah it is awesome. 

And then she has tried to love and squeeze the dog so much that he has tried to hide from her.  She at one point almost pushed him down the stairs trying to hug him as he was pusing away from her.  I had to pull the gate closed at the top of the stairs and look at the dog saying this is for your own safety.  Oh my it is just crazy the things you have to do to keep everyone safe.

Also, people in my family are asking what to bring for Christmas Eve dinner.  Well I have sent an email and also sent one on facebook.  It is the same list every year of what we eat and what to sign up for to bring.  It doesn't change so I don't know what the issue is.  But I guess I just wasn't clear.  I guess I will have to find another way or do something different cause well this list of traditional food isn't working I guess.

And for the family too that don't tell you what they want for gifts or just ask for gift cards.  Well I am sorry I am not doing gift cards.  I a not going to wait til the last minute to get you what you finally think of.  Because running all over town or trying to get somthing shipped like over night well just isn't going to happen.  I am not going to pay the same to ship it here as the gift I was going to get you just because you waited to tell me til the last minute.  I think that is just nuts.  You will just get the random thing that I got for you or the As Seen On TV item that I saw on late night tv or at the store and thought oh how amazing that looks & cool it will be.

I am trying to get the house prepaired, the menu planned, everything in order and ready for Christmas Eve & Christmas Day.  All in all while still trying to have fun and fit in some sort of tradition for my own family.  Yeah it is crazy and I think I found my first grey hair.

I confess: I don’t listen to every word my children say, and the reason is simple. They talk too much. And they talk about stuff I don’t care about.


For some kid-related topics, I can’t even muster up fake interest, like PC, Nintendo or PS3 games. When Evan plays some of his games and he'd say, “Guess what? I raced this guy and I was going so fast. . . ,” I’d stop her right there. With a shake of my head and the traffic-cop “STOP!” signal, I’d say, “Uh, sorry there darlin’! Don’t take this personally, but I hate your video games. I love you, of course, and am interested in anything you have to say about virtually anything other than your video games . . . school work, creative projects, philosophical musings, friend dilemmas—anything real.”


They’ve all heard variations on this speech many times. At this point, they police each other. Evan will say, “So in Tron. . .” and off he’ll go, but only for a minute or two, before Evan says, “Dude! Look who I'm talking to! Mom doesn’t care about Tron!”


And it’s true. I don’t. I care about their real lives . . . at least, theoretically, but I have to say that sometimes their real lives are boring too. There was a time last year when Evan talked endlessly about his friends. Evan would walk through the door after school, Aaliyah trailing behind him. Evan would say, “Oh my Gosh, she’s making me crazy!”


Overall though, I do care about their real lives . . . just not all the time. Sometimes they have exceptionally bad timing. Last night at 9:00, my neck was hurting and I am starting to get a cold and was trying to get everyone ready for bed, when Aaliyah said, “Hey! I like that story about princesses mom.” That is how she asks me to tell her a story.


I’m proud to say that I could respond honestly: “Yes, I remember!”But I told her that it was late and mommy hurt and it was time to go to bed.


Twenty minutes later, Aaliyah asked if she was a princess? I told her of course she was. And she then ten minutes later was finally asleep.


But you know what? They don’t always listen to me either. So there.

1. I want to one-up the my-life-is-perfect Christmas card lady, the one who gets her cards out first, complete with staged photo of her hellion children and a one page, rhyming letter about how spectacular they all are.
2. I want to make cookies with my kids.  They just want to make the things to put candies on or sprinkles on and make a mess and leave.  I am left to make all the traditional cookies alone for hours and days.
3. I want to give my children the perfect gift so that they’ll be occupied for hours, all the while being educated.
4. I want the toys I get to not require me to cut 50,000 wires and require a battery supply equivalent to a year’s college tuition.
5. I want my tree to look fancy, like one from a magazine with bows and big lights instead of the tossed together tree I have now because we don't have time and the kids want to decorate for 2 seconds.  I want a fully decorated tree that is put together with love as we all sit beside it decorating with music and having family time.
6. I want to have the glory of saying, “I’m done with shopping” in early December.
7. I want to rub the aforementioned into someone’s face, particularly someone like the person I morph into in mid-December, when the crunch is on and suddenly I’m buying As Seen On TV gifts for my in-laws at the drug store because in my holiday frazzled mind, it’s really a great product.
8. I want to make seriously perfect holiday memories.  Perfect decoration, family gatherings, tradional foods, tradional activities like (cutting a tree, seeing santa, pictures, riding in the car to see lights), reading The Night Before Christmas by firelight, matching pajamas, the works.
9. I want the world to travel to me (or not?) on Christmas day, so we don’t have to say to the kids, “Great!  New Toys!  Now put them away and go put on itchy clothes because we’re going to spend the rest of the day eating and riding in the car!  Yay!”
10. I want to fall asleep in wrapping paper with perfectly frosted cookies smeared on my face and even a little bit on my matching pajamas.  And then I want to take a picture and put it on next year’s card.  That’s right.